Desi Train

Last night after watching Vivek Agnihotri’s “Chocolate”, I realized I was wrong about Mahesh Bhatt and gang. I have often lamented how the Bhatt camp carbon copies each frame, shot, scene from Hollywood movies to make their own desi version. According to me this was the worst form of cinematic insult.

Not anymore. Since last night, I have downloaded Bhatt and his gang’s pictures, photo framed it and have lit agarbattis (for those who learnt hindi late- agarbattis = incense sticks) and performed pooja and asked to be forgiven for calling them the worst of plagiarizers, the worst of cinema artists etc. etc. No my dear blog reader. They are the worst. Last night I realized there’s a worstest category beyond the Bhatt camp (for those who did not watch my reaction last night – worstest = new oz word for beyond worst). Yes dear blog reader, there is a further category beyond the worst of the Bhatt camp, this I realized this last night. It’s those people from Bollywood who watch an ANGREZI (English) movie, and make it into Hindi. No the problem is not that they, similar to Bhatt-jee camp, copied the movie frame to frame. Oh No, the problem is not that they, similar to the Bhatt-jee camp, stylized and polished up the movie to the nth degree. The only small problem is they used THEIR FUCKING HEADS TO CHANGE THE STORY TO GIVE IT A DESI FLAVOR AND IN THE END YOU REALIZED THAT THEY FUCKING DIDN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE ORIGINAL VERSION WAS ALL ABOUT.

Parotha with sambhar. Chicken with halwa. Tomato Soup mixed in lemonade. “The Usual Suspects” mixed with Vivek Agnihotri’s adaptation and you get “Chocolate”.

Did anyone from Agnihotri’s team even watch The Usual Suspects and get to understand it even just a bit? OR WERE THEY FUCKING TOO BUSY FIDGETING WITH THE COPY BUTTON ON THE DVD PLAYER THAT THEY HAD NO FUCKING TIME TO EVEN SEE THE ORIGINAL. AND WHO THE FUCK IN THE WORLD INVESTED IN THE MOVIE WITHOUT READING THE SCRIPT??? DIDN’T ANYONE AT THE PRODUCERS OFFICE SEE HOW FUCKING LAME AND IDIOTIC THIS ADAPTATION WAS GONNA BE???

I’m calm. It’s just that it pains me WHEN STUPID PEOPLE GET MONEY TO MAKE STUPID FUCKING MOVIES AND BOLLYWOOD SO CALLED ACTORS AGREE TO ACT IN SUCH MOVIES. I’m calm. I’m cool. It doesn’t bother me that for every one good movie from Bollywood, there’s a million crappy ones dumped on us. I’m cool. All I want to know is WHOSE FUCKING FREAKING IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE “Chocolate”…Copying, from today onwards is heavenly. Copying and using your head to make adjustments in the story to FUCK THE WHOLE THING UP IS A FUCKING UNPARDONABLE CRIME IN OZ LAND FROM NOW ON.

Just one of the many stupid ideas used to twist the original:-
In both the original and the screwed copy there is this incident. A boat, men killed on the boat and the boat is blown up. I can’t overemphasize that it is a key key key part in the whole story. Ok, so this incident is reported in the newspapers and is linked to the man (Kevin Spacey in the original) and the people (Irrfan, Tanushree Datta in the screwed copy). The climax of the original shows/or does not show but clearly indicates to the viewer what actually happened on the boat. The screwed copy ends up showing or indicating that there was no such boat incident. If there wasn’t any such incident THEN WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE COPS DOING AT THE HARBOR FISHING OUT DEAD BODIES OFF THE BOAT AND THE NEWSPAPERS REPORTING THE INCIDENT AND THE VARIOUS TIMES THIS INCIDENT IS MENTIONED IN THE MOVIE!!!!! So let me get this straight, something happened (boat incident), proved time and again in the movie it happened and then in the end you are telling me it didn’t happen or don’t care to tell me what happened. By now the only thing you are sure is that you watched a stupid movie called Chocolate. That definitely HAPPENED! – And that is just one of the many happened not happened sequences in the movie.

After watching that, I lit another agabatti in front of Bhatt jee and camp. Atleast they are well aware of their limitations – key being – ‘If head is in the ass, you don’t use it’. Unfortunately Agnihotri and his team thought otherwise. The Usual Suspects is a movie of complex execution. Bollywood needed a more adept technical director to adapt such a complex story line.

Why oh why of all the places do we find the crappiest of story writers in Bollywood. A few years ago when Steven Spielberg was asked “What should a director do to be successful?”, Spielberg simply replied this – “He should be able to tell a good story”. That’s it. That is all of it. We need someone who can tell us a good story. Is that too much to ask for?

“Chocolate” does start off well, in a sense - copying each frame from The Usual Suspects. Stylish and sharp in shot execution, you get a sense this is going to be a gripping adaptation, you don’t care if it is being copied from a Hollywood movie. 20 minutes later, you are bent on forgiving the director for his inaptitude/inefficiency in weaving together multiple plots which end up being messy and jarring the story flow. 60 minutes later you think the director will stop messing with the original plot. 75 minutes later you are begging, pleading, praying to God the director stops screwing the original plot line. 85 minutes later you stop praying and plan revenge. 125 minutes later you are furiously blogging online to beat the crap out of the movie.

Of the cast, Irrfan and Anil Kapoor are worth any mention. Irrfan has perfected this cool dialogue delivery style. I first noticed his brilliant performances when I first saw him on tele years ago, I think the serial was called Banegi Apni Baat. But here he seems to be underplaying his part on purpose. In some sequences, he so dangerously comes close to under-acting that it looks like he is sleep walking through this movie.

Anil Kapoor’s time as the leading actor is up or perhaps in its final stages. Roles, like in this movie, is what he should be doing. An actor of tremendous potential, he has displayed his acting talents time and again. As the lawyer he fits into the role like a glove. Beginning earnestly as the sleazy lawyer he performs the job well though a few scenes do have him hamming through.

Rest of the cast the less said the better. Arshad Warsi, please stop signing up with such stupid projects.

Minus D grade. Watch it if you like your icecream mixed with joolab tablets.

p.s. Incase you missed it, watch Nagesh Kukunoor’s “Iqbal”. This is what cinema should be.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 7th, 2005 at 1:36 pm
Filed under Bollywood, Comedy, Movie Reactions, Superhit Posts
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