Desi Train

There are a few things in life however hard you try, you just can’t let go of the nagging feeling that some secret hidden forces are in play, forces that make certain things in our lives appear or happen in the way they do. Not many may notice it, but those who do, end up becoming investigative journalists or bloggers.

And because of this nature to notice the unnoticed, have I noticed that there maybe secret-undercover powers who may have conspired with other dark hidden forces to see that ALL men living in the United States end up wearing a certain type of underwear.

Walk into a typical American clothing store. Target. Robinsons May. Macy’s. Nordstrom’s. Costco. Walmart. K-Mart. Whatever store that you would like to go – doesn’t matter. Walk to the men’s section which occupies 0.05% space of the entire store. So you walk through 99.95% of the length of the store, brushing through designer bras, designer panties, designer lingerie, more bras more panties, more multi colored lingerie, more lacey underwear and then you stop and think – How many fucking bra and panties do women change in a single day?

And then you start walking and reach the last 0.05% of the floor space selling men’s products. Yes the area next to the Ladies restrooms is where the assholes sell men’s products. Whoever thought that women check out men’s underwear while rushing to the restroom, needs severe therapy. What the hell were they thinking? There are tons of single men in America. They are lonely. And they buy underwear. So if We make them stand next to a men’s underwear section with an underwear in their hand while the cute lady comes out from the restroom with her hand running a last minute check of her bottom, - THAT – will be the most ideal time for an American guy with an underwear in his hand and the American women with her hand on her ass – TO MEET and…. they shall live happily ever after. Courtesy: An underwear and a ladies restroom.

But this isn’t about dating in the men’s underwear section. Sorry to those whose hopes perked up. And if you are one of those whose hopes perked up, you are in urgent need of a hobby besides underwear exploration.

Let’s get back to the 0.05% of the men’s section. UNDERWEAR! That’s what we need.

Scene: Cold Rainy Night. Thunder. Lightening. Kachcha House @ Lan-go-tee Street
Closed Door Meeting.
Participants: The dark forces “Whose names we do not take”

My fellow Invisible Rulers of the world. We through the powers of Black Magic Mathematics have found that the reason why we still don’t rule over ALL THE MEN on planet Earth – They all wear different kinds of underwear. Thongs, briefs, boxers, frenchies, trunks and loads more. But if we make them buy and wear only boxers and trunks, the calculations show that 99% of Men will become our slaves. The rest 1% sadly, will still be free. Reason: They don’t wear any underwear.

And so it happened. Each store has 2 shelves stocking men’s underwear. Boxers and Trunks. Boxers and Trunks. Boxers and Trunks. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE “NORMAL” – V SHAPED UNDERWEAR? Skip the shop, enter the next store. Enter the 0.05% area of men’s section. The two racks. Boxers and Trunks. Boxers and Trunks. Boxers and Trunks. Crap.

If these pathetic men, refuse to buy boxers and trunks we will sell the most uncomfortable underwear that will force them to rush back and buy our boxers and trunks.

Sure. And the official name of the most uncomfortable underwear is: THONGS. If you haven’t already tried one, I most humbly request you to please do. But before wearing one, may I suggest having the following items ready, not more than two feet away from you: - an ambulance, two nurses, one doctor and medical equipment which was solely made to FORCEFULLY PUSH your balls that are right now swimming in your mouth - back into their correct location.

Then in one corner we will stack up slavery radiated briefs. And to ensure the radiation penetrates the men’s asses and dicks, we will sell them in bunch of 10.

So amongst all the heavy shower of boxers and trunks, there is this shelf of plastic packs containing briefs. The good old ‘V’ shaped underwear. THANK YOU LORD! No wait! You want two briefs. But the packs contain Ten underwear.

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Who THE FUCK do these underwear companies think are buying their underwears? A packet of 2 or 3 or 4 underwear is understandable. BUT TEN? So I’m standing there infront of the underwear shelves saying “HELL, I’M NOT GONNA BUY TEN UNDERWEARS. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO WITH TEN UNDERWEAR”. Two hours later - me and my roommates are wearing some of these underwear and with the rest we are trying to find “other” ways to use them. Curtains, Cushion covers, Floor mops, dusting cloths, Insect killers - are some of the few practical ways of using spare underwear. Our lives are changing. And the cause is those freaking underwear.

And if the men aren’t still convinced to buy our boxers and trunks we will attract them with beautiful colors and prints.

The last time I was at Macy’s men’s section I noticed colorful underwear hanging off those hangers. I kid you not – there were these boxers with this design: Yellow flowers blooming all over, with sunflowers over the crotch region, pink and red roses flowing all happily right and left over the ass area while there were two or three about to bloom blue colored flower buds – right in the center of the ass. WHO THE FUCK WEARS UNDERWEAR WITH FLOWERS PRINTED ON THEM? PLEASE TELL ME!!! So three days later I’m wearing a flowery boxer. And it feels like: A naked guy is made to stand in a valley of flowers. Flowers all around. Left, Right, In front and Behind. And the guy is asked to shake his Mini-me in the blowing wind. So you are standing there, mini-me in hand, swinging it left and right between all those bloody flowers. Needless to say that Flower printed Boxer is now used as a shoe-shine.

And if the MEN still refuse to buy boxers, trunks and our multi colored underwear, we will lure them online with attractive underwear pictures with promises of great comfort and reliability.

I’m on Undergear.com. THANK YOU GOD! The “Normal” underwear which I thought was extinct is there on the website. Beautiful solid colors. Looks comfortable. I am so glad. And since I like my underwear in shades of blue, I’m checking out all blue colored underwear. And then I see this shade of blue I’ve never seen before. It looks so gorgeous and attractive. Shopping Passion takes over. Order 6 of them. The order is placed and three days later the package arrives. Lesson to Learn: Buying Clothes online is like watching a Bollywood trailer. They all look so damn exciting. And when you finish seeing the movie, you want the first person you come across, to kick your ass so you never forget that in Bollywood – a trailer and an actual movie can be poles (pun unintended) apart.

Same for online shopping. The gorgeous never-seen-before blue underwear in reality turns out to be “PINK”. Only a life threatening situation can make a man wear “PINK” underwear. But guys have this uncanny habit of being lazy around their laundry, clothes pile up, a terrible shortage of fresh clean underwear and quite naturally you end up picking up those “PINK” underwear to wear….. to work.

Wearing PINK underwear can be nothing less than a traumatic experience. You are sitting in office and the only thought dashing in and out is “I hope people around don’t know I’m wearing PINK underwear”. You push your pants up a million times a day. You enter the rest room, see a couple of people, U-Turn and you are running right out of the restroom. “NOBODY IS FUCKING GONNA SEE ME IN PINK UNDERWEAR”. After 3 attempts, the restroom is finally empty. You rush in at lightening speed. Unzip. Take Mini-me out. What a relief. And as you so pleasurably reach the last final drops, in walks your boss. Stands at the urinal next to yours. Hi. Smile. Something bright and flashy, right around your crotch area, catches his eye. He looks. His eyes narrow down. He thinks he’s dreaming. Then his eyes go wide. His mouth opens “OZ…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WEARING PINK UNDERWEAR IN MY OFFICE”….

Your trauma doesn’t end there. Remember that you - a puny little guy is up against those Dark Powers whose names we do not take. If you order underwear, the shipping address should NEVER NEVER NEVER BE YOUR OFFICE ADDRESS. It takes about 32 weeks to recover from the SHOCK YOU GET each month. That time of the month is when - in your mail you find a glossy magazine with well beefy muscled able-bodied men on the cover, who look like they were born in a gym. What’s wrong with muscular men on a magazine cover? Nothing. Except all those men are wearing Nothing but SKIMPY underwear and the Bulging portion of their crotch looks like they are about to have a MASSIVE ERECTION. Plus the words “Underwear for the sensual male” on top of the cover doesn’t help either. It doesn’t need to be explained any further, on why every one at the workplace now thinks you are GAY and a Kinky one at that. Repeated requests to Undergear.com to stop sending their product magazines will have no effect. Infact they will now send it to not only to your office address but also to your home address. So if people at office think you are KINKY GAY, your entire neighborhood will soon be joining them.

You stand at your neighborhood coffee shop and you may hear “There goes the kinky gay guy”…You are buying groceries and a bratty six year old kid will scream at the top of his voice “MOM DAD there’s that kinky gay guy”…You are at the gas station “Shit the kinky gay guy is there…lets come back later”…You go out on a date with someone new, the waitress comes in and is shocked “Hey aren’t you the kinky gay guy living two blocks away from here? What the hell are you doing with a lady?”…Needless to say all my dating these days, takes place outside a 25 mile radius from my home.

And so it will be done. All men will return to the stores and after all that struggle will end up buying our Boxers and Trunks. Enslaved Forever. HA HA HA!!!

Yes and I’m close to enslavement. Gone are my days in India where I could buy my kind of underwear, all soft, comfortable and the colors in which I wanted them, notwithstanding a big label of Harmeet Singh Trading Company Pvt. Ltd. stitched at the back of all the underwear. Then there were V.I.P.s – “mazboot itni Dara Singh jitnee” or the ever comfortable Crystal – “yeh andaar ki baat hai” or “Don underwear Don baniyan zyada chale aur de aaram”… Gone are those days where we ruled over the underwear. Now in the U.S.A. the underwear rules us…

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This entry was posted on Friday, February 24th, 2006 at 10:33 am
Filed under Comedy, Life Flava, Superhit Posts
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