Desi Train

Every Movie fanatic cries when his/her list doesn’t match with any major Bollywood Awards final list. Not anymore.

Crappy movies hog the stage. Talent gets left out. And critics lament what is wrong with Bollywood. Screw them and their list.

Announcing the First OzCAR Awards for Hindi Cinema. The awards are divided in two sections. OzCar awards for the whole Filmfare Awards Nite Show. And the Second section deals with Oz Awarding the real artists and the real movies that deserve to be on top.

The Sadela Tamatar Pheko Award (Hinglish: Throw the Rotten Tomatoes Award On) goes to…

Sony Entertainment Television
In this day and age of modern technology, SET has come up with the most unique “screen savers” for…. your television. Yes dear Reader. At last count there were 16 instances in the 5 hour relay of the Filmfare Awards Nite where everything stopped and for a span of 3 minutes to 16 minutes there would be a faint backdrop of “ICICI Bank” or “Swad Khao Mast Ho Jao” on your TV sets.

Now I know why I bought a 32 INCH LCD #-o To watch SET bombing screen savers on my Telly.

The Joota Chappal Maro Award (Hinglish: Hit them with Shoes and Sandals Award) goes to….

Sony Entertainment Television
The Filmfare Award Show is beamed in California about 5 hours after the actual event took place. Pray why then do we see “Due to live telecast there will be longer and frequent breaks for advertisements”. Are all participants at the Filmfare function doing the whole award thingy again, just for us poor Californians? Thank you so much.

But isn’t 5 hours after the LIVE event sufficient time for ANY FUCKING Entertainment Company to EDIT THE FUCKING SHOW AND SHOW IT MINUS THE FUCKING LONGER AND FREQUENT BREAKS.

The Copy & Paste Revelation Award goes to…

An ad shown during one of the zzzzzzz breaks. A TV Show called Kudkudiya House No. 43.

What is that BBC show which is titled “Kumars at House No…”??? Welcome my dear Television Producers to the glorious world of Ctrl C Ctrl V a.k.a. Copy and Paste.

The Lifetime Memorable Moment Award goes to

Gulzar-sahab getting the best Lyricist award from Javed Akhtar-sahab
Two greats. One platform. One giving away the award. Another receiving it. And the moment is so beautifully wrapped in an emotion which clearly shows the respect they hold for each other when Gulzar-sahab’s first line in his thank-you speech is “Thank you Javed-saab for not being nominated this year…” Touching, fluffy and sweet.

Care to think what Ismail Durbar would say if he received an award from Himesh Reshammiya?

The I’m Above All you Vermin Award goes to…

Aishwarya Rai
Watch the 30 seconds of tape replayed over and over again over her dance practise for the main show award. The look, the high nose, eyelids half closed, iron shut jaw chewing a fighting for its dear life chewing gum… I wouldn’t want to be anywhere close to a mile of this lady.

The Confused Stabbing you or Loving You Award goes to…

Vidhu Vinod Chopra
“I cannot believe it… I CANNOT BELEIVE THIS” was what Vidhu Vinod Chopra had to say when giving away the critics award to Amitabh Bachchan. Now we all know Vidhu for his caustic slap it on your face statements. But in this case may we please know WHAT IT WAS THAT he did not believe in? Bachchan did not deserve the award? Or something else?

The Kiss Your Ass Award goes to…

The Filmfare Team.
Yash Chopra has been quite instrumental in giving Bollywood a lot of what we see today. Give him a lifetime award. Give him a some dedication to Bollywood award. But giving him a “Power House” award is like saying Chopra-jee, Tum nahin toh kuch bhee nahin…

The Willu Bhaiyya Willu Bhaiyya Award goes to…

Abhishek Bachchan, Riteish Deshmukh, Shamak Davar, The Filmfare Team.
Will Smith is a guest in India. Good enough. Let’s take care of this guest and give him all the love we can. Bring him to the Filmfare Awards. Mention him ONCE on stage. But going crazy about Will Smith - 12 times in the show, having an entire skit based on Will Smith’s “Men in Black”, Stopping a skit in between to talk about Will Smith, Calling him on stage to present an award, Start talking about Willu bhaiyya at the drop of the hat throughout the show… The only thing that remained was a SASHTANG NAMASKAR to Willy Bhaiyya. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS THINKING?

The Prestigious Filmfare awards is more than 50 years old. Will Smith may be big but not bigger than “ANY” such ceremony. Do one thing to welcome his presence, NOT ALL 29 things all throughout the show!!! If Will Smith was embarrassed with his name being mentioned more than “Filmfare” at the show, you should not be surprised. This Prestigious award function is now handled by a bunch of college dropout kids.

The Good Job @ Filmfare Awards Nite goes to…

Shamak Davar.
Job well done =d> The sets and choreography were excellent, reaching a peak at “Zinda Hoon Main”… which literally leaves your mouth wide open.

The Best Song Award (Music & Lyrics) goes to…

Yeh Hai Meri Kahani from Zinda.
A soul stirring song. Beautiful lyrics making love to an equally beautiful music. Strings hits that cornor of the heart which rarely is stirred up by any of our so called greats in Bollywood.

Strong Runner Up: Aaashayen from Iqbal. Hope, Fire, Passion. Simple Lyrics, Simple entering your heart music. Another was Guzar na Jaye from the sick Rog.

The Best Background Score Award goes to…

Monty for Black
Close your eyes. Watch the entire movie. If the music doesn’t choke your throat, you need a beating heart inside that body of yours.

Okey Dokey Runner Up: Ranjit Barot for Dus.

The Best Art Direction Award goes to…

Keshto Mondal, Tanushree Sarkar and Pradeep Sarkar for Parineeta
No two thoughts about this one. Pradeep Sarkar is a highly visually creative artist. Parineeta shows a glimpse of what we can expect from this genius.

Strong Runner Up: Omang Kumar for Black. Haunting sets giving the movie such a visual melancholic life of its own.

The Best Cinematography Award goes to…

Howard Rosemeyer for Parineeta
Parineeta was a challenge. Howard stood up to it. All its shades, colors, catching a back in time Calcutta, the various blankets of morning, evenings and night… Howard’s work was the most unrecognized piece in 2005.

Strong Runner Up: Ravi K. Chandran for Black. Maintaining the constant same texture with his brush and paint all throughout the movie perfectly complimenting the mood and tone that the director was aiming for - that was a remarkable achievement.

The Best Screenplay Award goes to…

Pradeep Sarkar & Vidhu Vinod Chopra for Parineeta
Adapting a Saratchandra classic for a 21st century movie and doing it successfully - these guys deserve full marks for this.

Way Behind Runner Up: Sanjay Leela Bhansali for Black. Minus points for lifting scenes from the original Hellen Keller movie, the name which I don’t remember at the time of writing this post.

The Best Editing Award goes to…

Bela Sehgal for Black
Sharp cutting edge with a moving forward energy. The only thing that stopped Bela was some of the preachy elongated scenes courtesy her brother Sanjay Bhansali.

The Best Supporting Actor Award goes to…

Sanjay Dutt for Parineeta
Why Why Why wasn’t this gem of a performace given its due? One wonders if the awards function follows more of a “rotation” policy than giving it to those who truly deserve it.

Strong Runner Up: Shiney Ahuja for Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi

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The Best Supporting Actress Award goes to…

Ayesha Kapoor for Black
How does a ten year old kid know how to act deaf, dumb and blind? How does a ten year old kid know how to act within the given parameters of a given character and become that character? How does a ten year old kid know the true meaning of performing well without going over the top? Is this ten year old girl available to give acting lessons to some of our so called Bollywood stars?

Strong Runner Up: Shweta Prasad for Iqbal. Provided Bollywood has interesting projects to offer this gem of an actress, this one is gonna go a long way.

The Best Actor Award goes to…

Rajpal Yadav for Main, Meri Patni Aur Woh
This Artist has been Criminally Ignored at all Award Ceremonies this year. I SPIT ON ALL FUCKING BOLLYWOOD AWARD FUNCTIONS FOR CHASING STARDOM INSTEAD OF RECOGNIZING TRUE TALENT.

Strong Runner Up: Amitabh Bachchan for Viruddh. One of the most ignored performances this year. Proof: Watch the scene where an intensely sad Bachchan sits in a park bench engulfed in the trauma over losing his son. A bunch of old men laughing out loud in the background - doing a laughter therapy exercise. With sad eyes Bachchan looks at the group (which he once used to join for the exercise), and then suddenly with raised hands he tries to do the exercise forcefully trying to laugh. Heart wrenching shot - no one can touch this one with a barge poll.

The Best Actress Award goes to

Rani Mukherjee for Black
Nothing that Rani has done is near this blazing performance. Nothing. This was the role of a lifetime and Rani aced it.

Strong Runner Up: Vidya Balan for Parineeta. This one is a Shabana Azmi - Smita Patil rolled into one. Great things are in store for this truly natural artist.

The Best Director Award goes to…

Pradeep Sarkar for Parineeta
Umm… need I say more?

Strong Runner Up: Chandan Arora for Main Meri Patni Aur Woh Here is one guy who wants to bring back the Hrishida and Basu-da kind of movies while the rest of the lot in Bollywood is obsessed with Hollywood and Mafia.

Noteworthy Mention: Nagesh Kukunoor for Iqbal

The Best Film of 2005 goes to…

Parineeta
A thoroughly complete movie. Ofcourse, being based on a classic, helps get bonus points too. Add to that the genius of Pradeep Sarkar and Vidhu Vinod Chopra.

Strong Runner Up: Black, Main Meri Patni Aur Woh, Hazaron Khwaishein Aisi

The Genius Who was Most Screwed by the System Award goes to…

Anurag Kashyap
First “Paanch” and then “Black Friday”. It is a crime to show the truth in India and the system screwed Kashyap bad. Many ended up seeing Black Friday on pirated discs. So when the movie does release will it get the kind of success it truly deserves? There were many times I was almost tempted to get a pirated disc, but have avoided the ever increasing thirst to watch Kashyap’s work illegally. Black Friday deserves a release and more than that it deserves an audience in the theaters. I WILL STICK WITH KASHYAP NO MATTER WHAT IS IN STORE FOR HIS COMPLETED WORKS AND HOPE ONE DAY I WILL WATCH HIS CREATIONS ON THE BIG SCREEN.

The Unreleased Great Works Award goes to…

Parzania
This is one movie, movie fanatics are going ga ga about in all the film festivals. Sarika is back and Naseer gives a powerful performance.

Strong Runner Up: Vishal Bhardwaj’s The Blue Umbrella

The Most Sincere Performance Award goes to…

Jimmy Shergill for Yahaan.
How many years are you guys in Bollywood planning to keep him down and out. Each time he is given a chance he comes in gives an earnest honest performance. Yet again, no one in Bollywood is interested in talent.

Strong Runner Up: Arshad Warsi in Sehar. This is one noteworthy performance. As usual, the feeble attempts at advertising pushed this movie under the carpet.

The Copier of the Year Award goes to….

Suparn Verma for Ek Khiladi Ek Haseena
This guy has balls to say that his movie is not a copy but just an inspired product. Run a search on Desi Train for Suparn Verma to find the number of Hollywood “inspirations” used to make EKEH.

Strong Runner Up: Sanjay Gupta for Zinda… Es aadmi ka kuch nahin no sakta.

And lastly….

The OzCAR Most Watchable Movies of 2005 in no particual order….

Parineeta
With so many awards in its bag, no research is needed to get it on this list.

Black
Beware… though it may be “inspired” from another Hollywood movie this was some achievement. Following the typical Bollywood over the top style, get the tear ducts flowing and all that… this still is one good movie.

Main Meri Patni Aur Woh
A personal favorite. Watch this one if you still haven’t.

Yahaan
Smells of “Roja” and keeps tripping into the typical Bollywood clichés… yet Shoojit Sircar’s attempt is a sincere one. The commando action sequences are cutting edge and professionally done, rare in Bollywood.

Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi
For some odd reason, Sudhir Mishra always misses the target by a couple of inches. This one isn’t different either. Bringing back the media created genre “Arthouse cinema”, you may or may not connect with this one.

Paheli
Again just like Hazaaron… this one could be a Yawn or a Yo!! for you. An honest attempt at telling a simple story.

Bunty Aur Babli
Shaad Ali’s attempt to create a comic Bonnie & Clyde. Worked in phases BUT not through its entire length.

Page 3
Ok this was an attempt to uncover the Uppish Stiff Upper Lip High Nosed Society of any major city in India. Not impressed. An amateurish attempt. Nothing professional in its execution. Madhur Bhandarkar’s Chandni Bar still remains his best work.

Salaam Namaste
Engaging in parts. Nothing great. But not bad either.

Iqbal
One word. WOW!

Silsiilay
My past favourite critic Khalid Mohamed’s attempt at multiple storylines. Not impressed. But a decent attempt.

Maine Gandhi Ko Nahi Maara
I personally did not connect with this one, but many did. Still another decent attempt from Bollywood. And no I don’t think this was a “great” performance from Anupam.

Apaharan
And just like Sudhir Mishra, Prakash Jha has this uncanny ability to miss the target. Each time every time, every movie.

Sehar
No reason to miss this one. Critics ran this one down saying the topic has been told multiple times. I found this one to have a refreshing way to tell an oft told story.

My Brother Nikhil
Again, this movie could have had more impact. Much more impact.

And though there are many more, it’s time to wrap up the 2005 OzCAR Awards… I know I have missed quite a few names here, so please come forward and mention those names in your comments or emails…

Meet you same time next year for another blah blah-ing round of the OzCAR Awards…

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This entry was posted on Friday, March 3rd, 2006 at 12:42 pm
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