Ta Ra Rum Gum Gum (with Old Monk)
The rum’s aged 12 years… maybe 8… maybe 6 or perhaps not at all. Doesn’t matter. Anurag Kamat and Nishikant Kashyap were two stooges who hid in a 20 foot container and arrived in the US, five years ago on a dark black friday taking a dombivili fast local to dive into the container waiting for them in the shipping yard. Now working as waiters in a dingy Orange County Desi restaurant where kulfi falooda is actually koolfi gathiya, since the clueless owner of the restaurant relies on these two container chaap refugees.
oz is sitting in the restaurant having Old Monk Rum with Coca Cola. The only place in California where you can enjoy this super Indian treat. Suddenly the restaurant is raided by US immigration officials looking for illegal aliens. AK and NK request oz to help them.
Drunk oz: “Sure, hope in my vehicle”
NK: “You mean hop in”
oz : “yeah yeah”
AK: “fast let’s get out of here”
oz: “Don’t worry. I’m here”
oz steps on the gas paddle and zooms his vehicle through the streets of Orange County, losing the immigration officials in a matter of seconds.
AK: “Wow that is fast. You should be a race driver… I’m also the manager for a racing company and I would like you to drive on the race track for us.”
oz: “Sure… but I have a problem”
NK & AK in unision: “What problem”
oz: “On the race tracks you drive this : ———————–
AK : “So?”
oz: “I can only drive my vehicle with bullet speed… and as you have seen this is my vehicle…. ———
NK: “What the fuck is that?”
oz : “In the US it’s called an RV?”
AK: “What is RV? Rajveer Singh?”
oz: “What the fuck does RV have to do with Rajveer Singh. RV = Recreational Vehicle”
NK: “Shit! All my life I thought RV is Rajveer Singh?”
oz: “SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! You container chaap idiots WHAT DOES RV HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH RAJVEER SINGH??”
AK: “Long story we met Rajveer Singh in Prison Sing Sing”
NK: “But that’s not what we would like to talk to you about. Come with your RV and race for us.”
The American Racetrack was on fire. oz would come with his RV on the race track and race ahead of the fastest cars on planet earth. It was a miracle.
Then one day oz met Ms. Miscast. Love at first sight. After their first chitti chitti bang bang, they had two kids who were born 3 years apart but look like they were born within 3 minutes of each other. Don’t ask what the hell… Anything is possible in oz’s RV.
Then one day oz racing RV on race track. RV as usual is leading. Final lap. White bad man car crashing into oz’s RV. Suddenly the flush tank in the RV’s toilet cube stops functioning… oz looks behind the water is overflowing… NOOOOOOOO… nothing should happen to oz’s dear RV… Mental imbalance… oz crashes RV into wall. Faints.
Blink Blink Blink Blink….
Ms Miscast to Doctor who’s hand is in a cast: Will he survive doctor?
Doctor hand in cast to Ms. Miscast: Can’t say… it’s upto God… do you think his RV’s flush tank can be fixed? The damage has done a deep wound inside his empty brain.
Ms Miscast: Don’t know Doc… I really don’t know.
Bad times follow. Racing club kicks oz out of the team. Every time oz is leading the race he gets visions of White Bad Man crashing his car into oz’s RV and in slow motion the flush tank pops, damages itself, water splashing, handle of the flush flowing into the air followed by the nuts, bolts, screws and some shit…
The trauma is too much to take and each time the vision appears… oz loses race.
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Then 3 years later Anurag Kamat and Nishikant Kashyap reappear before oz…
oz : You guys you disappeared?
AK : No we didn’t. We were around. It is you who didn’t notice us.
oz : Whatever. What have you guys been upto.
NK : We are now officially citizens of America. And we have opened our own RV Garage repairing shop
oz: Wow
AK : And we have fixed your flush tank. So get up. Go to the race track and beat the shit of the White Bad Man.
NK : And oh put some black grease on your face
oz: Why?
AK: Touch of luck
oz : OK
BANG BANG BANG…. oz’s RV back in action. oz wins race… Alls well that ends well…
But does it?
Add to that a theater in the Silicon Valley where the shrieking speakers actually end up vibrating your seats. As if this Tum Tum wasn’t enough the pathetic state of the theater adds to your headaches.
Really why run a down and out theater adding the the viewer’s misery until you have renovated it?
Does anyone even think of the cine-goer anymore these days?
GRAB GRAB GRAB FROM THE CINE-PHILE…. BUT WHAT ABOUT GIVING BACK????
And you see the Yash Raj’s new product policy. It’s all about packaging packaging and packaging. I have nothing against YR. In fact it’s commendable to see them bringing out cinema - the kind they believe in. But it’s just not working for me. The golden package has an empty soul. Movie after movie after movie.
Could we go back to the creating stories that had soul and spunk… a la your DDLJ days please?
And was it Shashank Ghosh in there that you saw? Also what was my favorite cinematographer Binod Pradhan doing in front of the camera… but it was a nice touch. But was Victor Banerjee really essential for the two bit role? You can’t reduce such powerful actors to such blink and miss roles. It’s plain blasphemy.
Siddharth Anand, the director should realize that his first Salaam Namaste had a unique storyline, well atleast in terms of the Indian context… he has to continue on those lines rather than falling back on packaged products.
I’m not sure what Rani Mukherjee’s strategy is towards her career. But it’s just not working. This is one big miscast of a role. And she’s one movie away from being labelled the cry baby of Bollywood. Get away from those boo hoo I cry you cry we all cry kind of roles Ms. Mukherjee. In Bollywood terms, it is called “typecasting”
But Saif Ali Khan is in top gear and breezes through this one, however crap the product may be. Clearly he has placed a lot of bets on Yash Raj for driving his career forward. He has to realize that it needn’t be the case. Having grown by leaps and bound in the last 5 - 7 years, Saif seems to have got it right - having his fingers right on the acting pulse… or perhaps very close to it.
C Minus - All package and No soul makes Jack drown in Rum Glum
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April 30th, 2007 at 11:16 am
ROFLMAO…I was looking forward to this one, especially after the brief review I got from you in person.
My brother was way luckier than you as he got free tickets to watch the movie in one of those plush multiplexes of Mumbai - cushioned, reclining seats and free food! Made the movie much more bearable ;)
May 2nd, 2007 at 9:48 am
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
May 3rd, 2007 at 4:13 am
hey, not fair - how come this is missing on pfc?? :(
anurag kamat and nishikant kashyap - hehehe - missing sirjee and betelal though - and dude, you are having too much fun. seriously. :))
btb, oz bhai, life’s currently chaotic - crossing two rivers on one bridge - in other words, ore kallile rendu mangai - will mail in detail after I get some sleep. bfn.
May 11th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
U are one hilarious geezer.
“After their first chitti chitti bang bang, they had two kids who were born 3 years apart but look like they were born within 3 minutes of each other.”
Cudnt stop laughing out loud , in the office, receiving weird looks from all around :D
Keep it coming, mate